Silencing the Dark
by losamantesclandestinos
Summary: A series of one-shots exploring the relationship between Ed Tucker and Olivia Benson following Manhattan Transfer. Based off of hints and teasers related to Unholiest Alliance.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** First of all, I am so sorry for the lack of posting. I have had horrendous writer's block and tons of stuff going on. I'm slowly but surely getting back into it. Just please bear with me - I haven't abandoned my stories. Just might take some time to get back to them.

 **Disclaimer** : Lyrics are by Simon and Garfunkel. Characters are owned by Dick Wolf and NBC.

 _Hello darkness, my old friend,_  
 _I've come to talk with you again,_

She can't do it anymore. Any of it. She was just so tired. The look on Pippa's face is seared into her brain, branded on her memory, a scalding hot wound that would take years to heal. Reaching for her glass of wine – was it her third, fourth…she really couldn't remember – Olivia Benson rubs her eyes as if she could wipe away the visuals of the last weeks.

Looking at the clock, she winces. It's already eight o'clock and she isn't remotely tired. She should be, her days have been long enough and since the "townhouse incident" she hasn't been sleeping much at all. Sleep had been a mere acquaintance of hers for years now – since Lewis. The night always brought too many demons so Olivia would now just stay up, until her eyelids became too heavy to stay propped open.

The wine goes down easily, almost too easily. She had justified purchasing three bottles of it because the price was so good for such delicious Cabernet. Reaching to refill her glass, Liv barely notices that she's already finished the first bottle.

But it's so good. And it keeps the nightmares at bay.

At least for a little while.

A firm knock on her down interrupts her thoughts. She practically leaps up, slightly relieved at the interruption. It was too much, the images of Hank Abraham's broken and shattered families. Liv herself had zilch sympathy for Hank, as she had told Tucker, he was an "angry prick." But she could not forget Pippa and their children. Their lives were never going to be the same.

 _Because a vision softly creeping,_  
 _Left its seeds while I was sleeping_

"Who is it?" Liv asks, a little reluctant to open the door, considering that she's just in sweats and a sweatshirt. She's got no one but Noah to dress up for.

"Captain Tucker." A rough voice responds.

"Ed?" She opens the door, not really caring if he sees her like this. Somewhat fuzzily, she wonders at herself for not caring. Maybe it's the wine that's making her less self-conscious…or maybe she just doesn't care.

"Evening, Lieutenant." His eyes flicker over her, quickly noting her appearance. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

She responds with a wry smile. "When is it ever a good time these days?"

"Point taken." He shoves his hands in his pockets because it's cold on this winter night and not just chill, an icy wind that cuts to the bone.

"What brings you around here this time of night, Ed?" She smiles tiredly, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

"What, I can't just pop in?" He says, serious but with a slight smile faint on his face.

She looks at him with fond exasperation, remembering the last time they had this exchange. "No."

"If you really want me to go…" he starts to turn away.

Liv doesn't know why she stops him but she does. "No, it's okay. Come on in. Warning you, though, it's a mess. Life with a toddler, you know…" she smiles at him wryly.

"Yeah, I do know…" He says under his breath, but she doesn't hear.

As he follows her into her apartment, his eyes instantly spot the two bottles of wine on her coffee table.

"Company, Lieutenant?" He inquired, eyebrow raised.

Liv doesn't meet his eyes. "Just Noah and I."

"Noah's started drinking early." He jokes slightly to break the suddenly tense atmosphere. Something was very not right here.

Olivia hurries to put the bottles away, a slight tremor in her hands.

"Benson," he says, gently touching her shoulder. He doesn't miss her flinch but, strangely enough she doesn't seem to know that she's done it. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Liv smiles at him tightly.

"I can see that." His eyes flicker over to the empty wine glass.

"What's that supposed to mean? It's only a glass of wine." Liv finds herself unreasonable defensive.

"Benson, you're slurring your words." He says quietly, his sky blue eyes concerned.

"I don't have a problem." Liv says, slightly sullenly and more than a little resentful. There's a sudden surge of anger within her and she finds herself just getting angry. Angry at Tucker, angry at Hank, angry at herself for being so, so, _stupid_ for getting taken by Joe. She turns away before she says something rude.

 _Get the hell out of my home._

"Never said you did." His voice is consolatory. And when she turns around to look at him again, there's no judgment there. His face is stone sober, no smile – but then again Tucker rarely smiles and she'd be weirded out if he did. So Liv is oddly grateful for that, one thing in her chaotic world that she can count on not to change.

And there's silence for what feels like forever.

The clock ticking is so loud in the still apartment – Noah is fast asleep and it's so quiet. Except for the clock, and her breathing.

"I'm sorry, Ed." Liv says quietly, "I'm sorry." She's not even sure what she's sorry for exactly and why she's apologizing to him.

"Shut up, Benson." Now Tucker's wearing a half-smile to take the sting out of his words. It's almost affectionate, which is rare for him. But she's been seeing it more these days and, truth be told, after the initial shock, Liv finds that she likes it – wants to see more of it.

"I haven't been sleeping." Liv says apologetically, waving at the wine glasses. "Ever since the…incident." She still doesn't like to talk about it.

"I'm not surprised." He says quietly, that note of concern still in his voice. "I'd be more surprised if you weren't still shaken." _Trauma can't just be swept under the carpet, Olivia_.

"I just don't want them to see me weak, you understand?" Olivia finds that her hands are shaking and she buries them into her sweatshirt.

To her shock, Tucker barked a laugh. "You're the last person anyone would call weak, Benson. If anything," and he gave her a hard but compassionate stare, "your strength might be your problem."

"What are you, a shrink now?" Benson taunted him sarcastically.

Ed Tucker remained unruffled. "Admitting you need help isn't weakness. Admitting there's a problem isn't weakness. Denying it is weak." He gave her a steady gaze. "I think you know what I'm talking about, Olivia."

Liv finds that she likes the way he says her name. So she's not as angry as she thought she would be at his implication.

"I see a psychologist." She says, trying to justify herself, trying, once again, to tell him she's just _fine_. "He cleared me for duty."

"Good. But that doesn't mean you're okay. You know it and I know it. You might be able to lie to yourself," he says, "but you can't lie to me."

"We may have had a few drinks together but that doesn't mean you know me." Liv says heatedly.

Tucker doesn't say anything else, simply looks at her. It's the same look on his face that he had when he expressed his empathy with Amaro. The first time she had really _seen_ him. Before then, he had simply been a member of the "rat squad", devoid of sympathy for her squad. Although, to be fair, it's not as if they ever made his job easy.

What is this, she thinks, sympathy for the devil?

"I know trauma." He says quietly. And something in his voice tells her that he knows from personal experience. No matter how deep people try to hide pain, it always resurfaces. There is no hole deep enough that pain cannot escape. The past is never really the past.

Sometimes she dreams that Lewis is still alive. And maybe he is. Maybe he always will be.

"Really?" She says tiredly, voice torn with unshed tears. Liv went to the couch and sat down, putting her head in her hands. What does it matter anyway? He's already seen too much, what does it matter if she lets her walls down a little more... It's too tiring to keep them up.

"I always wanted to be a cop." Tucker says abruptly, sitting down besides her. He didn't reach out to touch Olivia, sensing that she was desperately trying to retain the tattered shreds of her dignity, her vulnerability. "My older brother was one, my dad was one. It's what we did. Generations of Tuckers have been cops. My older brother, Patrick, went into Narcotics. One night he and his partner of five years got caught busting a drug ring. Turned out Pat's partner had been running dope for them. He survived that night – Pat didn't."

"Oh, Ed," Liv says softly, forgetting her own pain and gripping his hand.

"It was a long time ago." He tells her. "But, yeah, I know about trauma." He wasn't ready to tell Olivia about Molly yet. One wound reopened is enough.

"I started to drink," he continues, staring straight ahead. Her hand caresses his and it almost distracts him but he manages to focus. "I was obsessed with nailing Pat's killers. Nearly cost me my job."

"Did you get them?"

He nods. "Pat's partner was tried and he's now serving 30 years to life. The justice system isn't too kind to dirty cops. Especially dirty cops who are accessories to the death of one of their own."

Tucker turns to Liv and grips her hand. "You can't go down this path, Liv. Don't do it. You have your squad, your command, your son to think about."

Liv stares at the empty wine glass and then looks back at him, smiling faintly.

"I've never heard you talk so much in your entire life."

Giving her a faint smile in return, Tucker's eyes soften and he leans back on the sofa.

"Don't worry, it probably won't happen again."

Benson leans back into the couch with a deep sigh. "Never thought I'd be saying this but thanks, Tucker."

"Not a problem." He smiles at her and there's affection in his eyes. "Come here, Olivia."

And, finally, Olivia Benson lays down her walls and leans into Ed Tucker. He smells of wet New York streets, of smoky pubs, of comfort and home. He wraps his arm around her and she lays her head on his chest.

And all is quiet and still and the demons have retreated at last.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: **Manhattan Departure**

 **Disclaimer:** Characters and recognizable dialogue are not mine. They belong to Dick and NBC.

There are worse humiliations in life, Olivia Benson supposes, but right now she can't think of any. Standing behind her desk – well, _Dodd's_ desk now – shoulders bowed, Liv wonders how things got so _bad._ _How did we get to this_?

She's grateful that her squad disappeared hastily after she issued a curt, "You're dismissed." She hadn't wanted them to see her break down. Hadn't wanted to see them how badly being removed _hurt_. Her knuckles are white as they clutch at her box with her nametag in it.

Lieutenant Olivia Benson, it read.

Not any more.

She was leaving the Special Victims Unit, her home for the past seventeen years. She had seen so many come and go: El, Cragen, Munch, Amaro, Jeffreys...so many. Never had it ever crossed her mind that this would be the way she'd go. In complete disgrace. The tongue lashing she'd gotten from the higher ups was still stinging and the ice in Deputy Chief Dodds' eyes seared into her brain.

But this is where they were. A splintered squad on the verge of imploding.

And it was time to go.

Her phone vibrates on the desk, making a jarring sound in the eerily silent room. Picking it up to view the text, a picture in her box catches her eye. It was of her and Cragen, shortly after her promotion ceremony. He had been so proud of her that day.

 _That's my girl._

Sometimes Olivia missed those halcyon days. When her shoulders weren't stooped from carrying the weight of the world. _Uneasy lies the head..._

How quickly things can change and she wishes he was here because surely he'd be handling this a lot better than she did. He knows all too well how far the powerful will go to protect their own interests. He's still got the memory of waking up next to a dead prostitute to prove that. Cragen was never quite the same after that.

Liv shuts her phone off. She doesn't want to see the text. There have been too many of them in the last few hours. _Why can't they leave me alone? Haven't they taken enough blood for today_? Olivia reaches for the kleenex in one of her boxes – she'd be damned if they were going to make her cry.

She just wants to get home, to her son and hold him close. At least there is one place she can find peace. So she picks up one of her boxes and walks out the door.

"Let me help you with that." Dodds says quietly, falling into step with her.

"That's not necessary," she says, "you have other things to do. This is your squad now."

"Lieutenant," he stutters, "I...didn't know."

She stops for a moment and looks at him. "I know. Just take good care of them, will you?"

"Of course." He says, "Let me go get the other boxes."

Olivia starts to protest but Dodds stops her, "Please. Just let me do it."

And Olivia recognizes the gesture for what it is, an apology for the video leak, for indirectly being one of the reasons (albeit distant) that she was leaving.

"Okay." She agrees.

He's not so bad after all.

…...

"Hey, Olivia." Lucy greets her brightly from the door.

"Hi, Lucy." Benson smiles wearily at her. "How's Noah?"

"He's fine. Went down for the night an hour ago. He was pretty tired so he didn't fuss too much."

"Good," Olivia drops down the box on the couch.

"Is everything okay?" Lucy inquires, sensing that all isn't right with her boss.

"I'm fine." Olivia lies, as she does to everybody these days. All but one person. "I'm just taking some time off from the precinct."

"Vacation?" Lucy asks innocently.

"No, just doing a different task for 1PP for a little while." Olivia responds vaguely.

"Okay, then." Lucy grabs her coat. "I'll be seeing you soon, then."

"Good night, Lucy." Olivia opens the door.

Finally, she looks down at her phone.

 _Can I come over?_

Sighing, she debates just saying no but the apartment feels so empty right now – even though Noah is just sleeping in his crib in the bedroom. And the night is extraordinarily cold, but maybe that's just her. The day had been such a blur and she's still feeling disoriented.

Maybe she should have a glass of wine...just one. God only knows she deserves it. Maybe it's not the best idea to have company.

She texts back.

 _Okay._

…...

About a half hour later, a sharp rap sounds at her door. Halfway through glass number one, Olivia opens the door.

"Ed." She breathes in relief.

He doesn't say a word, just pulls her close to him, wrapping his arms around her. Liv buries her head in his shoulder, inhaling his scent, fresh and clean with a touch of the New York City night. And, for a few moments, they simply stand there and he rubs his back.

"You heard?" She asks, her question muffled by his winter jacket.

"Bad news travels fast." He strokes her back gently. _It's going to be okay. I'm here._

She pulls back. "How are you?"

Tucker gives her a wry smile as he steps into the apartment. "I've had better."

"Isn't that the truth?" Olivia sits on the couch and lifts the bottle, "Care for some wine?"

He merely raises an eyebrow at her.

She rolls her eyes. "Don't start, Ed. It's been that kind of day."

Tucker decides to not make an issue of it. Not tonight. "Sure. Give me a little. It's not bourbon but it'll do."

Liv cracks her first genuine smile of the day.

"I like bourbon, what's the big deal?" Tucker cracks a half smile at her.

"To each their own." She raises her glass and they toast.

"It's good to see a smile." He reaches over and gently rubs her shoulder.

"It was just hard." She admits. "Walking out of there. That's been my home, Ed. My family – before Noah." She wouldn't tell him how _broken_ she felt packing up her desk. Couldn't tell him. She's always been so strong, even after Lewis and Utley – but placing that placard with her name on it in the evidence box... a part of her shattered at that moment.

"You'll be back." Tucker looks at her earnestly. "You gotta believe that. This is just temporary."

"Is it?" Olivia looks at him and he sees real fear in her eyes. "These people are powerful, Ed. They can keep me out of there forever if they want."

"We won't let them." Tucker leans over, placing his hand on hers. "We'll get those sons of bitches and make them pay for what they've done. I promise."

"I just remember what happened to Cragen..." Liv's voice trails off.

"And he kept his rank, didn't he?"

She shrugs and takes another sip.

"But, how are you?" Liv asks, "How did it go?"

"Suspended with pay." He leans back.

Seeing the look on her face, Tucker tightens his grip on her hand, "Liv, it's okay. They don't have anything on me. And I've been told I need to take a vacation anyway."

"I'm just sorry you're going through this." She whispers, rubbing his hand.

"Good thing is I'm not alone." He smiles at her. "And neither are you."

Olivia puts down her glass of wine. "How can I thank you for standing by me?"

"No thanks needed."

"I disagree," she leans forward and puts her mouth on his, kissing him slowly and deeply. His hand reaches up to cup her face as he returns the kiss. As it deepens, his hands run up and down her back and her fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt. Pulling back to take a breath, she leans her forehead against his.

He takes a shaky breath. "I could live with thank yous like those."

Liv smiles softly. "Ask and you shall receive."

Tucker gives her a genuine smile and leans back against the couch. "C'mere, Benson." He gestures to his side of the couch. Liv slides closer to him and leans against his chest.

"How did we get from where we were to here?" She asks, slightly muffled by his cable knit sweater.

"I think it started when you stopped kicking me out of your office." He grins a little.

"Well... you haven't been as big a pain in my ass as you used to be." She responds with a faint chuckle.

"Pain in your ass? Me?" He asks innocently.

She rolls her eyes. "I'm not buying that 'who me' act from you, Ed Tucker."

"Was worth a try."

"Seriously, Ed," Benson holds his hand, "thank you for being here..."

"Couldn't think of any place I'd rather be." He looks at her fondly, running his fingers through her hair. "We'll get through this."

"Yes, we will."

And the two of them sit there quietly, looking from the couch out into the black New York night.

…...

"She was struck by the simple truth that sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary,

simply by doing them with the right people..." - Nicholas Sparks


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: **Take Me Out To The Ballgame**

"Penny for your thoughts?" Ed's voice breaks into Olivia's reverie as he hands her a beer.

"I doubt they're worth even that much." She smiles, taking the local microbrew from his hand and takes a swig. "This is good."

"One of my favorites." He sits down next to her, edging a little closer to lend her some warmth. The evening was relatively mild but the wind was a little chilly and he doesn't miss her slight shiver.

"You warm enough?" Tucker asks.

"Of course. Compared to winter and 1PP for that matter, this is like the tropics." Olivia laughs. "But thanks for asking."

"How's Community Affairs?"

She winces. Olivia had desperately been hoping to get through the evening without having to discuss the utter humiliation of wearing a really bright blue polo and having a... _fan_ club. She had never cared for having the spotlight on herself and having people fangirl over her was just...disconcerting and uncomfortable. She just wanted to keep her head down and be done with her punishment as quickly as possible.

Although, the way things were going on the investigation, she was beginning to fear that perhaps her stint in Community Affairs would become a permanent position. And, if that was the case, did she really want to stay in the NYPD? Was this perhaps a sign that it was time to walk away? There had been many long nights she had had to work and had missed spending time with Noah. Children grow up so fast - she didn't want to miss all of his childhood.

She already missed enough.

The average stint in the Special Victims Unit was about two years. Four, if you were lucky. And she had been there an almost unprecedented sixteen and a half years. God, she was so tired. Not for the first time, she understands how Elliot walked away from it all.

"Earth to Benson." Tucker nudges her slightly.

"I'm sorry – I keep spacing out on you." Olivia smiles at him apologetically.

"Not a problem. I'm not going anywhere." He leans back against the next bleacher row. "You don't have to talk about it."

For a moment, they sit in silence, drinking their beer and watching the action on the baseball field. It is a nice night, the grass was still fresh with the dew from recent rains, and it smelled clean and good. A fresh change from pouring over reports and files that Carisi and Fin (bless their rule-breaking souls) had snuck to her on the sly. After their eighth hour straight, Tucker had insisted on them taking a break and had brought her to his nephew's baseball game.

And Olivia was really liking it. She didn't know anybody – and no one really knew her (or if they did from news reports, no one was tactless enough to mention or acknowledge it) so she feels safe in her anonymity. And Ed is a great companion, giving her a running list of some of baseball's greats. Normally, baseball really isn't her thing but watching a game with someone who appreciates it as much as Ed does, makes it enjoyable for her. It's a relief from the darkness and the stress.

You take the light where you can find it.

"Thanks for bringing me tonight, Ed." Olivia says gratefully.

"Glad I could get you to leave the apartment." He gives her that half-smirk of his that she finds so endearing.

She smiles ruefully, "I know – I've been a bit of a recluse. But between work and taking care of Noah and trying to figure out who is behind all of this...I haven't had time to get out much."

"We're gonna have to change that." Tucker says, giving her hand a squeeze.

"I might be open to that." She grins. Hell, she's open to anything that doesn't involve murders, sexual violence, and systemic cover-ups.

Tucker gives her hand one last squeeze and turns his attention back to the game. And while he's watching, Olivia takes a little time to study him.

Ed Tucker is a handsome man. Still trim and fit in his early fifties, Tucker has the physique of a much younger man. He's almost religious in his fervor to keep in shape so he can work as long as possible. And it is galling for him to be sitting on the sidelines – so, during the time he hasn't been helping Liv with Noah or the investigation, he's been going for runs, playing in pick-up basketball leagues in his neighborhood, and staying active.

"GODDAMMIT, UMP, HE WAS SAFE BY A MILE." He roars, startling Benson who almost knocks over her beer.

"Oh God, you're one of those spectactors, aren't you?" She mock groans.

"But he was completely safe. That call was such bullshit. The ump needs glasses." Tucker grumbles.

"Calm down, Ed." Olivia grips his arm, trying to hide her smile.

He doesn't respond, simply takes a long swig from his beer, trying to tone down his irritation at umpires who clearly can't make good calls.

"Sorry about that." He grumbles at last. "I get a bit...intense...when I'm watching sports. Especially when family's involved."

"I can see that." Olivia smirks. "Are you close with them?"

"Very. Still see my folks on a regular basis and most of my siblings live on the East Coast. We're the rather stereotypical large Irish family. You'd like 'em."

"I don't know...if they're anything like you...they might be a handful." Olivia chuckles, taking the edge off her words.

"Are you saying I'm difficult, Benson?" Tucker put down his beer and gave her a mock glare.

"Well..." She pretended to think.

"I'm hurt."

"You'll get over it."

"Ouch."

"Man up, Tucker."

"Well played, Lieutenant." He grins at her and finishes his beer. And, for the next couple hours, they sit and chat while watching the game. Tucker tones down his reactions to bad calls a little but still isn't completely able to hide his irritation. But he'd quickly settle down when he'd turn to see Olivia stifling giggles.

"You're not going to let me live this down, are you?" He asks resignedly.

"Not on your life." Olivia says as she took his arm as they walked back to the car together.

"Why did I even think you'd have a bit of mercy on me?" Tucker rolls his eyes.

"I don't know. It's like you don't even know me that well." She teases.

"You know I'll pay you back, right?" He grins at her.

"I'm counting on it." Liv laughs.

…...

Back at the car, instead of leaving immediately, Ed and Olivia simply stand and looked up at the night sky. Not only is it fairly mild but the skies are clear – and the stars and moon are bright away from the city lights.

Olivia takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. "Thank you for a perfect night, Ed. You were right. I really needed this."

"So did I." He replies, reaching for her hand. "Sometimes I'll go here and just hit a few balls myself. It's relaxing."

She leans her head on his shoulder. "I'm waiting for the day that we don't have to be so secretive about this – that we don't have to sneak around. I feel guilty keeping this from my squad – Barba was so hurt when I told him I was...biased...towards you."

"Do you regret this?" He looks down at her and gestured between the two of them. And he regrets that she's going through all of this on his account. Tucker can't help but blame himself.

And Olivia immediately notices.

"Not for one moment." She responds firmly. "Tucker, this isn't on you so don't you dare think that you're to blame for any of this. I just hope my squad, when they find out, can understand. I think, after sixteen years, after everything I've been through...that I deserve some happiness too. Both Noah and I do."

"Couldn't agree more." Tucker said, putting his arm around her. "I think it might come as a shock at first," he says slowly, "but they all seem fairly reasonable. Although," he adds, "I am a bit relieved I don't have to break it to Amaro or Stabler."

Olivia winces at the mention of her former partners. She still misses both of them dreadfully. "I think they both would have been okay with it if they saw that I was happy." She says quietly. "I know you and El and Nick never got along but if I could get past our history...eventually, I believe they'd come around."

"I'll take your word for it." Was all he said and Olivia could tell that he didn't quite believe her. So she didn't continue with the topic.

"I should probably get home." She begins to pull herself away from him regrettfully. "As delightful as this has been, I'm tired."

"You've had a long few weeks." Ed agrees.

"Long few years, more like it." She sighs wearily.

"It'll work out, Liv." Tucker looks at her intently. "We'll get these sons of bitches."

"Yes, we will." She looks at him. And in her eyes Ed can see the trust and faith she has in him. It shakes him a little because, other than some members of his family, it has been a long time since anyone has shown any real faith or belief in him. Most people were too busy being pissed off at him for uncovering their dirty laundry. Despite the fact that all he was trying to do was eliminate the corrupt apples, the thin blue line was strong and tight and many cops did not look kindly on one of their own turning on them. It's a lonely life.

He pulls her close again. "I know you can't stay but let me give you something to think about for next time." He gives her a half-smirk.

"Oh?" Olivia raises her eyebrow, "And what would that be, Captain Tucker?"

And then she can't speak anymore because his mouth was on hers. Firm, warm, and tasting of beer, bourbon, smoke and hot City nights. Olivia sighs against his mouth as his lips caress hers, his arm rubbing her back. And then her back is against her car and his body pressed against hers and she could feel what he feels for her, what she was doing to him. Moaning slightly, she slides her body against his, feeling him harden against her. And there's a deep sense of satisfaction that she can bring this tough IAB Captain to his knees.

His mouth trails down her neck, nibbling at her collarbone. His fingers find their way under her shirt and they are hot against her skin. Olivia kisses him back fiercely, her fingers digging into his back and she can hear him groan and it is so, _so_ good. And when his tongue tangles with hers again and again, she pulls him even closer into her.

My god, they're like two horny teenagers. But it feels so good and so right and everything that she'd been looking for. And she doesn't want him to stop because when he does, she'll feel a little cold and empty again.

But, finally, they both realize that they need to breathe and reluctantly pull apart. But Tucker keeps his hand against her back and fingers lightly brushing her hair, kissing her earlobe and below it. Olivia closes her eyes and smiles as she feels her fingers run through her hair. Finally, he steps away, adjusting himself slightly and Olivia is even more satisfied to see that he's still catching his breath.

She's still got it. And then some.

"As much as I'd really like to continue this, I need to get home." Olivia smiles regretfully. But it's a radiant smile that Tucker is positive could light up all of Manhattan.

"I'll check in with you tomorrow." He says hoarsely, still aroused.

Olivia opens her car door and, getting in, fires one last shot, "Make sure you take a cold shower." She smirks a little. "I hear they're good for fixing some problems."

Ed gives her a glare. "Payback's a bitch, Benson."

"I can't wait." She winks as she drives off.

If she had looked back, she would have seen Ed Tucker still standing there, hands in his pockets, and chuckling. And, while the investigation has been really stressful, he's thankful he's not fighting alone.

Life really isn't so bad after all.

...

I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. _**I love her and it is the beginning of everything.**_ "

- **F. Scott Fitzgerald**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: **The Game's Afoot**

 _Disclaimer_ : _This chapter is a result of a lot of twitter brainstorming and theorizing. So come March 23, it's probably going to be completely incorrect. But, in the meantime, let's just go with it for now. And I have very little personal knowledge of actual procedural work so suspend your belief. This is just fanfiction – not a highly researched crime novel._

 _And since this is a particularly long update, it might be a bit before I can do another one. So I hope you enjoy and, please leave a review._

"Noah, eat your peas." Benson tries to coax her son into eating his food. It's her day off from Community Affairs and so far she has spent most of it trying to get Noah to eat his damned vegetables. Sometimes parenting can be a bit of a chore. Yet, on the other hand, she would take it any day over wearing that godawful polo shirt and having to fend off the aggressively cheerful fangirls at her job.

It was just so dreadfully awkward and uncomfortable.

But, being around Noah, clash of wills notwithstanding, was soothing for her. There was nothing she loved better than spending time with her son. And if there was one thing she was grateful for from this whole "being transferred" mess, it was having more time to spend with Noah. And with Ed.

Her two favorite men.

He simply glares at her suspiciously. _No, those are disgusting. Are you trying to poison me?_

Olivia sighs. Trying to get Noah to eat anything remotely healthy has been a real chore. She's repeatedly instructed her squad (and Ed) not to give him anything too sugary, but despite her best efforts, somehow Noah seems to get his little hands on either cookies, froot-loops, or ice cream. Like a lot of children, Noah has an instinctive disgust for anything that is green in appearance.

If he wasn't adopted, Benson might almost suspect that it was genetic. She had detested greens and a child and, according to Serena (when she wasn't under the influence), Olivia had put up a hell of a fight when it came to eating nutritious food. But, thankfully for her, Serena hadn't budged.

Olivia shakes her head at Noah and sighs. _You truly are your mother's child._ _Even if not by blood_.

And she might have been mistaken but she could have sworn that the look on her son's face was suspiciously smug. _I won the battle of the foods again_.

"What am I going to do with you?" She shakes her head at Noah, placidly sitting there in his high chair, nibbling on some toast. Because he actually didn't hate that.

 _Love me a lot and give me froot-loops_.

A sharp knock at the door interrupts her little battle of the wills with her stubborn son.

 _This isn't over_ , Olivia looks at him as she goes to open the door.

 _Oh, yes, it is_. Noah smiles serenely. _I always win_.

"I brought you some coffee." Tucker greets her at the door, two large cups of New York's finest in his hands.

"You're a lifesaver." Olivia breathes gratefully, taking her usual (black, one cream, one sugar) from his hand.

"Never let it be said I didn't help out SVU in their time of need." He smirks.

"Isn't that the truth!" She smiles. "I'm a bear to deal with when I don't have coffee in my system."

"Aren't we all?"

"Well, those of us who are normal." Benson chuckles. "Gotta tell you, Ed, I never understood people who hated the taste of coffee."

"Clearly crazy folks." Tucker says, straight faced.

"Absolutely. Come on in," she says, opening the door wider. "I was just feeing Noah."

"How's that going?" He raises an eyebrow, being a little familiar with her ongoing battle of the wills with Noah over food.

Olivia simply rolls her eyes.

"That good, huh?"

"I'm telling you, Ed, he refuses to eat anything that's good for him these days." She sighs in exasperation. "I swear to God, I think some of the others have been sneaking him sweets on the sly because that's all he seems to want."

"He'll get over it, Liv." Tucker reassures her, patting her on the shoulder.

"I just want him to get his proper nutrients." She frets anxiously.

"Do you want me to give it a shot?" He asks. Tucker has been coming over and visiting Liv and Noah long enough that he feels comfortable enough to make the offer. Noah has always taken well to him, despite some initial suspicion of any other important male in his mother's life.

"Go right ahead." Olivia says wearily. "It can't hurt. And God only knows I'm at my wit's end with that boy." But the soft smile on her face says that this is one of those battles that she doesn't necessarily mind. Noah's the love of her life and he's got her wrapped around his chubby finger.

Tucker knows all about that.

"Hey, slugger," he stoops down a little, getting face to face with Noah. "What's this about you not eating your food?"

Noah side-eyes him a little. _What do you expect? She wants me to eat green mushy stuff. Disgusting_.

"Peas." He says solemnly, with a faint note of disgust.

"Peas are good, though." Tucker says. "Here, let me show you." And he proceeds to take some of Noah's peas and pops them into his mouth. "See? Good."

Noah eyeballs him. _You're not fooling me_.

Tucker gives a quick glance over at Olivia, who has gone over to the kitchen to make more toast.

He whispers to Noah, "If you eat your peas, I'll give you a cookie later."

Noah's eyes brighten up. _Cookies_? _Did you just say the magic word_?

"Look, kid." Tucker says, eye to eye with Noah. "I happen to like your mom a lot. And I don't want her to be unhappy and I know you don't want that either, ok?"

 _Sure, use the 'unhappy mommy' card on me, why don't you? That's mean_. _But effective._

Noah picks up his peas and starts to eat them. _You owe me_ , _Mr. Tucker_.

"Good job, Noah!" Olivia beams as she sees him eating his peas.

Noah smiles and babbles excitedly. "Mama, mama." _I'm eating the peas for you because he promised me a cookie and I don't want to see you sad._

Olivia bends down and kisses him on his head. "I love you, Noah."

 _Love you too, Mommy. Even though you have terrible taste in food_.

…..

A few hours later, Noah is down for a nap and Ed and Olivia are sitting on the couch, sipping on sodas and discussing the investigation. They have heard very little having been, in essence, cut off from their respective squads.

"As much as I'd like to give you better news, Olivia," Ed says apologetically, "it's been quiet on IAB's end."

"I expected as much," she sighs in exasperation, "Carisi wasn't able to give me much more information. He did say Dodds was doing a good job although Fin wasn't too thrilled with him being in charge."

"I expect not." Tucker leans back. "Y'know, I would've expected you to choose Tutuola over Amaro for your number two."

"I tried." Olivia shrugs slightly. "Fin's response when I asked about him sitting for the sergeant's exam? As I recall it was, "Hell, no."

Tucker chuckles. "Sounds like him."

"He just didn't want to be tied to a desk. He saw what happened when Munch was sergeant. He didn't want that. The streets are where he wants to be. And, frankly, I can't blame him."

"Sounds like you miss it." Tucker looks at her intently.

"I do." Olivia admits. "That's one thing I haven't really liked about command. Being tied to a desk. The paperwork. So much more paperwork."

"Nobody likes that, Olivia." Tucker says frankly. "It's a pain in the ass."

"And sometimes it feels like I'm babysitting." She chuckles. "That part isn't so great either."

"Tell me about it." Ed laughs.

Just then, Olivia's phone goes off. Looking down at the number, she frowns.

"Benson."

"Liv, it's Dodds." Mike's voice sounds strained and tense.

"What's going on, Mike?" Olivia frowns. She hasn't been hearing much from Dodds at all since he took command. She assumes he's been instructed to not contact her by his father.

"I can't discuss it over the phone." He says and it's clear from the tone of voice that he's stressed.

"Everything okay?" Olivia asks him, concerned.

"I…well, I don't know." He responds slowly – and something in his voice unnerves her a little. It's clear that something is definitely not right.

"The squad doing okay?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah, sure," he says hastily, "everyone's fine. Although, damn, Benson, was Fin always this hardheaded?"

She chuckles. "Having troubles are we?"

Dodds' silence is eloquent and Olivia can't help but smirk a little. Knowing Fin, he probably was not giving Dodds an easy time of it. But she respects him for not ratting on Fin.

"It'll be good having you back, Lieutenant." He says.

"I'm not a Lieutenant any more, Dodds." She reminds him.

"Not right now." Mike says. "But that might be changing sooner than you think."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Look, I don't have a lot of time right now." He tells her. "But I've uncovered some things… been doing a little investigating on my own."

"Dodds, you need to be very careful here." Benson tells him carefully. "There are a lot of people involved with this. People in very high places."

"Higher than you might think." Dodds responds enigmatically. "Can you two meet me tonight?"

Olivia looks at Ed who has been listening intently to the conversation. He nods.

"Where do you want to meet?" She asks.

"There's a small bar on…" and he gives her the address.

"That's a bit far, isn't it?" She asks curiously.

"I don't want to be recognized." Dodds replies tersely. "There are too many people we all know at some of these other places. Look," he says more calmly, "if I sound paranoid, it's because I have reason to be. Cara is dead, Nina is missing...look at the two of you!"

"Calm down, Dodds." Liv says quietly. "We'll be there. What time?"

"I can get away from the precinct by nine. I'll see you then."

"Good…" Olivia starts to say and is abruptly cut off. She gives her cell an odd looks.

"That was strange," she says, "Dodds didn't sound like himself."

"Understandable." Tucker shrugs. "He's under a lot of pressure with this investigation and from his father too. To be tossed into command of a squad without any warning? It can be a challenge."

"Aren't you the empathetic one?" Olivia teases him.

"Yeah, must be getting soft in my old age." His blue eyes twinkle at her.

"It wasn't just the squad, though," she says reflectively, "he needs to talk to both of us. Said it was urgent."

Tucker rubs his chin thoughtfully. "Interesting."

"That's what I said. And, get this, he doesn't want to meet at any of the "normal places. If I didn't know better," Olivia says slowly, "I'd almost think he was being paranoid. Except Dodds has never been excessively paranoid before."

"Well, dealing with a sex ring and a clear conspiracy to cover it up will do that to you." Tucker responds dryly. "Doesn't make you tend to trust a lot of people."

"Still…" Olivia frowns, "…it didn't sound like him."

"When does he want to meet?" Tucker asks.

"Nine."

"That gives us some time to kill….Noah's asleep…can you think of anything fun we might do in the meantime?" His blue eyes shine with laughter and a hint of something else. Desire, arousal… Olivia feels a tight clenching in her lower belly.

"I have some ideas." She says lowly, grabbing his hand and both of them head towards the bedroom.

…

"Mmmm, that was good…" Olivia stretches out besides Tucker, her bare legs tangled with his.

"Lieutenant Benson, I think that was the best idea of "fun" you've ever hand." He smirked, running his fingers through her thoroughly disheveled hair.

"I thought you might enjoy that," she says, leaning over him and planting a kiss on his mouth, laying her head on his bare chest.

"I do." He whispers into her hair, his hand running up and down her bare skin. Olivia shivers and marvels how she can still be aroused after having been very thoroughly satisfied…..twice. She turns to him and slides her bare body against his. "How do you feel…" she kisses him hard, "….about another round?"

Tucker grins and flips her body under his.

"I think I might be up for that."

Her brown eyes sparkled up at him as she smirked. "Oh, I can tell you're _up_ for that."

He bends down and kisses her firmly. "There are some parts of me that _don't_ get soft in my "old age.""

And Olivia Benson giggles.

…

A few hours later, Tucker and Olivia are in the car, headed on the way to the bar. Lucy's come over to take care of Noah and the two NYPD cops had left Noah babbling happily with her, flinging carrots on the floor. Olivia had shaken her head and sighed at her little boy but had smiled and ruffled his hair as she kissed him goodbye.

Now she stares into the dark New York night, wondering what Dodds can know that would be this important.

"You ok?" Tucker asks, one hand on the wheel, one gripping her hand slightly.

"I don't know." Olivia confesses, "I don't have a good feeling about this."

"About tonight?" He asks seriously.

"Yes, there's something really not right here. He sounded really shaken up." Olivia's brow is furrowed in thought.

"You have good instincts, Benson." Tucker replies thoughtfully. "You're probably right – this is going to get a lot more complicated before it's over."

She looks at him worriedly.

"We're going to get through this." He assures her, eyes fixed on the road. "I promise."

Olivia rubs his hand. "I'm going to hold you to that."

Tucker gives her a smile. "I would expect no less."

….

It's a week night and a bit later so the bar isn't too crowded when Tucker and Ed reach it. It's a little hole-in-the-wall type affair, but fairly clean. And, although there's a lot of people in there, Olivia finds to her relief that she doesn't know a single person there.

"What'll you take?" Tucker asks as they take a seat at the bar.

"I think I'll try the bourbon. Something tells me that I'm going to need something a little bit stronger tha wine tonight."

Before Tucker can even say a word, Liv says defensively, "Don't worry, I'm not going to drink too much.

He didn't say anything, simply looked at her. He hadn't even said a word about the alcohol but hadn't missed how defensive Olivia was about it.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes, trying to explain to him why she reacted that way but not sure how. _Goddammit, I am not my mother. I do not hide alcohol under my sinks and in my dresser drawers._ _I am not Serena Benson_ , she tells herself, ignoring that small nagging voice that asks her if she's really all that sure of that…

And Tucker gets it.

"Bourbon it is." He says quietly, without comment. Now is not the time to get into a debate about appropriate coping mechanisms. Ed Tucker picks and chooses his battles with care. And now is not the time to fight this one.

"To clearing our names." Benson lifts her bourbon to his and they clink glasses.

"Amen to that." He takes a sip.

"Lieutenant!" Olivia turns instinctively – would she _never_ get out of that habit – and sees Mike Dodds heading her way in a dark jacket.

"Good to see you, Sergeant." She greets him cordially. He had denied knowing anything about her removal and she was inclined to believe him on that.

"Captain Tucker." Dodds nods at Tucker, a little more reservedly. He really didn't know Tucker all that well and the squad's opinions on him were decidedly mixed. Plus, he had always had an instinctive mistrust for Internal Affairs – most cops did. But his Lieutenant seemed comfortable around him and, more importantly, trusted him, so Dodds decided to trust her judgment. After all, she hadn't turned him in for the video leak – and she could have.

The least he could do was cut Tucker some slack. But not too much.

"Care for a drink, Sergeant?" Olivia asks politely.

"No, no, I really can't stay that long." He says quietly. "Plus, I still have some paperwork to catch up on. You know how it is." He says, somewhat thoughtlessly.

"Yes, I do." She responds quietly. And Dodds, realizing his faux pas, starts to apologize but Benson smiles a little to show him she's not that offended.

"What can we do for you, Sergeant?" Tucker breaks the brief silence.

"I'm not sure exactly." He says slowly.

"Then I guess I'm not sure why we're here?" Olivia asks, a little confused.

"Because I need to show you this." Dodds says, handing her a folder. Opening it, Olivia sees a Carfax type document. "What is this?"

"It's the car that a witness saw driving Cara to the party the night we caught Judge Wheeler and those other folks." Dodds says grimly.

"How'd you find this witness?" Tucker asks suspiciously.

"I did some looking around, made some contacts – or, rather, Fin made some contacts – and found someone who was willing to talk. For a price."

"What kind of price?" Olivia asks, eyes narrowed.

"Immunity from prosecution and witness protection." Dodds says.

"You don't have the authority to authorize that kind of deal." Tucker folds his arms across his chest.

"No, but I know people who do." Dodds replies coolly. "And they agreed."

"So what does this witness have for us?" Benson asks impatiently.

"That car is a very specific model." Dodds says quietly. "It's actually registered to someone who doesn't actually exist."

Tucker looks thoughtful.

"But the witness was willing to give us the name of the person to whom that car was actually registered." Dodds says, a little shakily.

"And?"

"The car's registered to the Monsignor, your cousin Eugene's superior." He nods at Tucker.

"That son of a bitch…" Tucker grits his teeth.

"Now, it's not conclusive proof, Ed." Olivia cautions. "Someone else could have driven that car. Monsignor could be totally unaware of it."

"Unlikely." Dodds says dryly, "Considering that the driver is his own personal secretary."

"Shit." Tucker breathes. "I always knew that guy was an asshole."

"It's not definitive proof," Dodds admits, "but it's a lead. If the personal secretary was involved, the chances are likely Monsignor knew about it."

He takes a deep breath. "And here's where it gets difficult."

Olivia and Tucker take a quick glance at each other. _You mean it wasn't difficult enough already_?

"Carisi did some hunting on the side. And he went through some of the Monsignor's academic records…." Dodds takes a deep breath.

"Turns out that Monsignor was very close friends with someone we all know very well. They've known each other since they were boys and have been close ever since. We even came across some society articles with pictures of Monsignor and this person at parties."

"While he was a Monsignor?" Olivia asks.

"Yes." Dodds replies.

"So much for the vow of poverty." Tucker mutters.

"Monsignor does not appear to be close to many people – even his own family – but, if he'd confide in anyone, it'd be this individual with whom he's been close friends since his school days."

"So who is this close friend?" Olivia presses.

Dodds takes a deep breath. "My father."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: **Discoveries and Revelations**

Disclaimer: _I realize that everything I'm putting in some of these "one shots" will most likely be totally AU after March 23. But it is driving me crazy not putting this stuff to paper so even though I'll be totally wrong next week, I'll still keep going with these one shots. And, when we finally find out what happens, I'll tweak things to make it fall in line with canon. Not sure how I'll do that but, hey, I'm up for a challenge!_

 _Apologies if this isn't my best chapter. Sometimes I get writers block and I have to really force my way through it._

"Your dad?" Tucker asks incredulously.

Dodds nods, lips tight, eyes grim.

"Wait a minute," Olivia speaks up, "just because they're friends doesn't mean anything. We'd need a whole lot more to go after your dad."

"Dad and Monsignor Patrick go back a long ways." Dodds says, "He's my godfather."

"You're kidding me." Tucker groans.

"Nope."

"Why didn't you bring this up before?" Olivia demands, a little pissed off.

"He wasn't a person of interest before." Dodds shoots back. "I wasn't aware I needed to keep you informed about my personal life."

"When it pertains to the case, you do." Liv snaps, even though she realizes she's being a little unfair. It isn't Dodds' fault that his godfather appeared to be involved in some serious criminal malfeasance. "I'm sorry," she catches herself, "I didn't mean to snap."

"It's okay, Lieutenant," Dodds puts a gentle hand on her shoulder, "you've been under a lot of pressure."

"Anything else you can tell us, Sergeant?" Tucker asks abruptly, after taking a quick swig of his bourbon.

"Carisi is working the cousin angle." Dodds reports. "And I have Fin working his contacts on the streets. The nun at St. Fabiola's has not seen Nina in the last few days."

"Ever since she left your place, Liv." Tucker and Benson exchange quick glances.

"She was really…not in a good place when she left my apartment," Olivia says slowly to Dodds, "She was convinced Tucker and I were both trying to eliminate her. Nina's clearly terrified of either Eugene or someone that Eugene knows. Someone who is dangerous."

"And I really don't think it's Eugene." Tucker admits. "While he's a little prick, he doesn't have the balls to be the brains behind something like this. Monsignor Patrick and/or his personal secretary are the most likely suspects."

"I tend to agree with you," Olivia admits, "I think Nina was afraid – not so much of Eugene himself but what he represented – that connection to the Monsignor."

"Mgsr. Patrick is pretty close with Eugene," Tucker muses, "and I can definitely see him using my cousin as a confidant. But as for actually getting his hand dirty? Not sure I see Eugene having the actual balls for that. But, then again, we haven't been close in a long time…" he shrugs, "…and we all know how people can change."

"Dodds…" Olivia says hesitantly, "I appreciate you coming to us with this but I'm sure that you know we need more evidence to link the two together."

He nods. "I thought you'd say that." He didn't seem too disappointed, though. "I probably shouldn't be telling you this but you've been good to me, Lieutenant, and I don't think it's right what they did to you."

"It's okay, Dodds, I know it's not you. It's 1PP." Olivia tries to reassure the Sergeant, who is looking more than a little uncomfortable.

"No," he interrupts her, "that's what I'm trying to tell you. It's not just 1PP – it's my dad."

"What are you talking about?" Tucker's eyes narrow on Dodds' face.

Dodds sighs, definitely uncomfortable now. "My dad's always wanted me to move up the chain of command. That's why he pushed me into the SVU. He never wanted me to get comfortable here, it's always been, as he puts it, a "stepping stone." I suspect that it wasn't just Barba who talked to One PP about you. I strongly think my dad had something to do with it too."

"But how would he even know?" Liv asks, a little anxiously. She had sworn that they had been _so_ careful. And she really couldn't see Barba confiding in Dodds – the two of them never had gotten along very well.

"You'd be surprised how he finds out some of the things that he does." Dodds laughs bitterly. "He's got his fingers in many pies, Dad has."

Liv bit her lip, furious. While she had never exactly warmed up to Dodds, neither had she been enemies with him either. And being betrayed by both her boss and by her best friend? How many more blows could she – could _they_ – take?

"So your dad managed to get Benson ousted." Tucker says, a bit brusquely, trying to gather his thoughts together. They didn't have any evidence – just hunches – to link Dodds and the Monsignor together and even to put Monsignor in the hot seat over the sex ring. But this was all starting to make sense.

"Well, it wasn't only him – apparently he had some assistance." Dodds looks at Olivia apologetically. "But he definitely took advantage it and used his leverage at One PP to get the Lieutenant here removed. Truthfully, he'd even tried to get you kicked off the force – but you must have some friends in high places, Lieutenant."

Olivia has no idea to whom he may be referring but she suspects Barba had something to do with it. He was dedicated to justice, Rafael was, and while he would have definitely reported her to One PP, he would not have wanted her fired. She's a little grateful for small blessings but not much. He may have been doing his job but the betrayal still stings.

And then she remembers back to a conversation – seemingly quite casual and offhand then – that she and the Deputy Chief had. _You don't have a political bone in your body_ , he had told her. And, all of a sudden it becomes clear to her why Dodds had pushed for her to be Lieutenant. _He didn't really want me in there to get anything done_ , she realizes. _He wanted someone he could manipulate to further his own agenda_ , _pushing his son up the ladder_.

Whether Dodds was actually dirty or not, Liv had no clue. But it was becoming more and more clear to both her and Tucker that William Dodds had manipulated the sex ring scandal so that he could get them out of the way.

"Thanks for giving us a heads up, Sergeant." Tucker nods at him curtly. "I realize that this puts you in a difficult position."

"I'll be okay." Dodds dismisses the concern. "I just wish I had more concrete information for you."

Olivia lays her hand on his coat.

"Thank you, Mike." She says gratefully.

"Anytime," he says awkwardly, "well, I should be going. Take a look through that file. There might be some other things in there."

"Have a good night, Sergeant."

"You too."

As soon as Dodds is gone, Olivia turns to Tucker. "What do you think?"

Tucker looks thoughtful. "It makes sense. While it's just a lot of theorizing at this point, I do think that the Deputy Chief had it out for you."

"I don't understand that. I've never done anything to him."

"It's not what you did. It's who you are." Tucker says quietly. "As long as you were Lieutenant and leading the squad, Mike couldn't move up. The Chief desperately wants his son to move up the ladder. You'd be surprised at what some parents will do for their kids."

"Actually," Olivia says thoughtfully, "I probably wouldn't be too shocked. I've seen what parents can do to and for their kids. In seventeen years at SVU, you see a lot of things. Very little actually shocks me anymore. But," and she looks at him sadly, "it doesn't mean I can't be hurt. And between Barba and the Deputy Chief... I don't think I can take much more of this. Maybe it is time for me to retire."

"You do that and they win, Olivia." Tucker's voice is firm and heated. He reaches for her hand. "Do not let them take that from you. If you want to leave because you want to leave, that's fine but do it on your terms."

"I'm just so tired." She says and Tucker can see it in her face, in her eyes. Olivia Benson has never committed less than 110% to her job and she's been doing it for almost twenty years.

 _I think of all the unies, the kids in the squad room, and all I can think is that I'm so **tired**. _ That was true those years ago when Elliot walked away and it was true now. He saw it written on her face.

"Let's go home, Olivia." He says quietly. "You need a real break from all this. We can tackle this in the morning."

"Sounds like a plan." Benson staggers to her feet, suddenly drained and exhausted.

Tucker reaches for her hand and they walk out the door into the night.

….

When they get home, Noah is fast asleep and Lucy's just reading on the couch. She's going to a local community college and, although it's Spring Break, she's told Liv that she has an enormous workload.

"Thanks for taking care of him tonight, Lucy." Olivia smiles at her gratefully.

"Not a problem, Olivia. He's always a delight."

"Did he go down okay?"

"Yeah, he was tired. I read him some stories and he was out in about ten minutes." Lucy picks up her bag and walks to the door. "Just call me if you need me to watch him."

"I will. Have a good night."

And when Lucy leaves, Olivia turns to Ed.

"You said something about a break, Captain?" She smiles at him a little, a faint twinkle in her eyes.

"I believe I did." Ed pulls her to him and runs his fingers down her back.

"What kind of break did you have in mind?" She whispers, pulling his head towards her.

"I think you know, Benson – or do you want me to spell it out for you?" He wraps his arms tight around her, pushing his body against hers.

"Why don't you tell me?" Olivia giggles softly, pushing the dark thoughts and discoveries of the day away.

"I'd rather show you." Tucker says, nuzzling her neck, inhaling the scent that intoxicates him so much, spice and wine and hints of bourbon and nutmeg. His fingers start unbuttoning her blouse as she pulls his sweater over his head.

Tracing her fingers along his bare chest, Olivia Benson marvels over how lucky she is. While her professional life may be in complete shambles, she has her beautiful son and a man that has made her unbelievably happy. And she's still a bit in awe of that; she never thought happiness – pure, undiluted happiness – was meant for her. After all, everybody she had loved had always left her, in the end.

And Tucker's mouth is on hers and she stops thinking as his hands pull her shirt off her body. Both of them eagerly and quickly shed their clothes, wanting to find comfort in one another, wanting to put the nightmare of their professional lives behind them, if only for a few hours.

It only takes them a few moments to get undressed and make their way into her bedroom. Tucker doesn't stop kissing Olivia for a moment and there's been more than a few moments where he's had to stifle her cries with his mouth so they wouldn't wake up Noah. Having sex and trying not to wake a toddler has turned out to be more challenging than she anticipated – but Liv has never been one to turn away from a challenge.

Especially when it's as delightful a challenge as making love with Ed Tucker.

And then she's on her back and he's on top of her. With a quick movement, he's in her and she's moving against him, legs wrapped around his body.

 _Screw foreplay. It's overrated anyway_ , she thinks as he pounds into her.

"Oh...yeah..." she breathes, in between his hot kisses on her mouth.

He palms her breast. "God, Benson...you're incredible." And she really is. Ed Tucker has known many women in his life, loved a few of them, married and lost one...but Olivia Benson stands out from all he's ever known. Her fierce devotion to duty, her dedication to survivors, her sense of compassion and honor... it's what he loves most about her. And, yes, he loves her.

Ed Tucker loves Olivia Benson. And he never, in all of his life, thought that he'd ever admit to that. And he wants to tell her – wants desperately to tell her how much she means to him, how much he wants her – but words have never been his thing and he doesn't want to scare her. But, god, how he wish he could tell her. She deserves to know – especially after the hell of the past few months.

Olivia smiles up at him, "So are you – but, one thing..." and she moves against him, relishing the feel of him hardening inside her, loving how his deep blue eyes darken when he's aroused. And as he continues to move in her, touching her body, kissing her... the stress and pain, they fade away.

In his arms, she's found her home.

"Yes...?" He chokes out.

"You talk too much." She grins and pulls him down to her, wrapping her legs around his waist. And Tucker realizes that perhaps for right now, he doesn't exactly need words to tell her what's in his heart. So there was no more talking for quite some time while Ed Tucker proceeds to show Olivia Benson exactly how much she means to him.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: **Mending Fences and Ominous Warnings**

 **Disclaimer** : _All recognized dialogue is from script teasers and SVU sneak peeks. Obviously, I took some liberties with the dialogues and scenes._

 _Bear in mind that, as of March 23, this may be all AU._

Olivia Benson bites her lip as she waits nervously for Rafael Barba. She hates to ambush him like this but she's tired of the strain between them. Since her removal from SVU, she had not spoken to Barba once. There had been some short and terse texts – mostly of the "I can't really talk to you about this" kind – but none of the friendly chats they'd so often have. And trips to the small coffee shop or sharing a scotch at the local bar? Out of the question.

She knows he was just doing his job – Rafael Barba was one of the most upstanding men she knew, he took his job (like she took hers) very seriously – and if there was anything that would sabotage one of his cases, well, he wouldn't hesitate to do what he thought was the right thing. Even if it meant hurting someone he respected and considered a dear friend.

There'd been many times Olivia had to make the hard choices – both in her personal and professional life. And it was never easy. She had lost friends, made a lot of enemies. But when it was the right thing to do, there was never a second thought in her mind of doing what needed to be done. So, despite her hurt, she was trying not to judge Barba too harshly. In his shoes, she probably would have done the same thing.

Didn't make it hurt any less, though. Especially the cold silence after he had told her, "We are _done_ talking." The pain in his voice and his eyes had been so real and there really had been nothing she could say. Benson had hoped her eyes had conveyed her apologies but if Barba had noticed, he had said nothing.

It seems like this chasm was too wide and too deep to be crossed. But Olivia has hope, hope that he would look past their rift and help them in solving the case. The lives and dreams of those girls were more important than his anger at her. She had to make him see that.

"Barba." She stops him in his tracks.

"What is it, Benson?" He snaps, trying to move past her.

"Did you know I was getting transferred?" She demands.

He shrugs and gives her the political answer. "One PP doesn't keep the DA's office apprised of its Byzantine maneuvers."

Olivia moves in front of him, forcing him to stop and look her in the face. "Well, let me fill you in. You told them about me and Tucker. A few hours later I'm getting pep talks about how great an asset I can be for women in Community Affairs!"

"Liv, you were seeing someone that One PP was investigating. I had to tell them. I didn't have a choice." The words were curt and harsh but his eyes were begging for her to understand the position she had put him in.

"Rafael," she pleads, "Tucker is a good man. He did not do this."

"That's what you say," he retorts, "but you're involved with him. Are you sure you're entirely objective?"

"How can you ask me that?" Olivia asks him, hurt.

"How can I not?" Barba retorts, his eyes pained. "If this was a suspect in one of your cases, would you ask me not to question their objectivity if they were involved with another person that was under investigation? Think about it, Liv."

Olivia realizes that he has a point and admits slowly. "I get it. I don't like it but I understand why you felt that you had to tell them."

"Thank you," Barba says, sounding more than slightly relieved. "Now, I can't really discuss this anymore so if there's nothing else, I have to be going."

"Barba, we could really use your help. Cara wasn't the only victim of that sex ring." Olivia says seriously. "There are other girls in danger. Other girls who know too much. Please, don't turn your back on them. Just help us out."

"Liv," Barba sighs, "you know I have to stay out of this."

"I'm not asking you to have anything to do with Tucker." She says. "Just, please, do what you can to find out more about Monsignor Patrick. Please. Those girls need help."

And Rafael knows that he'd help. He had never been able to resist Olivia when she was in trouble. More importantly, he couldn't turn his back on people being victimized. That's not who he was. Furthermore, deep inside Barba felt badly that things had come to this. Olivia has/had been (?) his closest friend, one of his _only_ friends, and he hated that things had been so strained between them.

Hated that he had hurt her, even though he was simply doing what he felt was right.

"I'll try." He grumbles, taking another sip from his coffee. _Dammit, Olivia, even if this had nothing to do with victims, I could never say no to you_.

"Thank you," she replies, a faint smile brightening up her face which he notices is drawn and tired, dark circles ringing her eyes.

"Are you okay, Liv?" He cocks his head to one side, examining her face. Not "Olivia", not "Benson" – just _Liv_ – like they used to be. Before they found themselves on opposite ends of the room.

"I've been better," she says wearily, her faint smile indicating she accepts his olive branch. "But I'd best let you go. I have to go speak with…a friend." Without lingering, she walks away, missing the faint sheen of tears and pain in her old friend's eyes.

Would either of them make it through this unscathed? At this point, Rafael Barba is very much afraid that the answer to that would be negative.

 _Oh, Liv, how did we get to this point? How could you not trust me enough?_

…

Liv's next stop is a City building where Ed's told her that Group 1 is conducting interviews. He's outside when she gets there, stamping out his cigarette on the ground. Liv braces herself for a difficult conversation; she recognizes that tense set of his shoulders. Clearly, things weren't going well.

She doesn't particularly mind about the cigarette at this point. There are bigger battles to fight at the moment. As for Ed's smoking, it wasn't until a few months into their relationship that Liv had discovered that he smoked. She had caught him sneaking a cig one night outside her apartment. While she had tried to hide her clear distaste for it, she knew she hadn't been entirely successful. Since Lewis, she simply couldn't stand smoking or cigarettes of any kind. It set her stomach to churning.

Since she had found out, though, he had been trying to quit – for her sake and Noah's (he hadn't missed her reaction to the cigarette and the smoke) – but since the investigation and his suspension, he'd taken it up again. There were moments she'd caught him outside her apartment, brooding, cigarette in hand.

…. **Past** …

" _Ed_ , _come back to bed_." _She said, reaching out one hand, the other one keeping her warm robe tight around her body, warding off the cold. Her stomach started churning at the scent of his cigarette and she struggled to conceal her revulsion. But Tucker was sharp and noticed it. Immediately, he put it out._

" _I'll be right in." He'd said warmly, the hardness in his blue eyes thawing a little only when he was talking to her. Olivia Benson was one of the few people with whom he showed any hint of weakness. Lieutenant Olivia Benson had Captain Ed Tucker by the balls and he knew it. But he didn't mind because he'd do pretty much anything for her._

 _Tucker had given up on love a long time ago. After his many losses, he'd thrown himself into his job and Internal Affairs had become both his wife and his mistress. But then he'd been thrown in the way of one very sharp, intelligent, smart-ass of a NYPD SVU detective. Tucker had liked her even then, those many years ago, even when he had to deal with her stubborn ass and that prick of a partner._

 _Of course he never showed it – and, deep down inside, to his slight shame, he got no small amount of satisfaction from taking her partner – Stabler, was it? – down a peg. Cocky son of a bitch, always getting himself into trouble with his temper. The two of them had never seen eye to eye and Tucker, on his part, had never warmed up to the guy._

 _Truth be told, he **really** didn't like him. And he didn't like seeing how Benson would follow Stabler with her heart in her eyes. How that man missed what was staring him in the face, Tucker had no clue. But it wasn't his business. What they did - or didn't do - with their personal lives wasn't his concern._

 _But then things had changed between Tucker and Benson after William Lewis. He had followed that case very closely. Hard to miss with all the publicity following Lewis's "untimely" death, reportedly while playing Russian Roulette with Sergeant Benson. In Tucker's opinion, he would have killed the son of a bitch a long time ago. He'd read Benson's testimony – it hadn't been a completely closed trial and his heart had ached in sympathy for what she had gone through. And, although he had initially thought she had snapped and killed him (which he would have understood), he had tried, as best he could, to give her a way out. Some kind of justification that would mitigate any legal consequences she might have to face._

 _Luckily, there were none. And Tucker was relieved for her. But he kept silent. And they would still see one another from time to time, usually with some form of strained civility. That situation with Cassidy going undercover had really set her against him for a time but, eventually, in time, she had moved past it. But it wasn't something that she had totally forgiven him for - and, even now, that was one area that they still did not discuss._

 _But before he had known it, they had gone from hostile adversaries, to cordial acquaintances, and, then to friends. Once they had gotten past their uncomfortable history, then Tucker had begun to appreciate her spirit, her courage, and her intelligence. But it hadn't been until the events with Noah's biological father and Amaro's shooting that Tucker had realized the depth of his feelings for her. Just how deeply he had fallen. And once he had realized his feelings, he had acted. Once Tucker was sure of something, he wasn't the type to beat around the bush. He'd always been blunt, direct, and honest – and never could be any other way._

 _It's what she liked about him._

 _He looked at her anxious eyes. "Don't worry about me, Liv." He'd said. "I'm gonna be fine. We both will." If he had to keep telling her that, he would. Anything to soothe her fears._

 _Olivia put her arms around herself, as if warding off a chill. And Tucker could tell that she was still unsure._

" _Look," he reassured her again, gripping her arms gently, "don't worry. No matter what happens, I'm not gonna leave you. I'm not going anywhere."_

" _I don't want you to lose your job or, even worse, be sent to prison." Olivia's eyes were full of fear and anxiety._

" _Not gonna happen." He said with a confidence that he didn't real feel. And he guessed that she probably could see that he was putting on a show. "We're gonna get through this."_

 _And she moved into his arms and for several moments they stayed there, finding solace in one another._

….. **Present** …

She's worried about him and he can see it on her face.

"How are you holding up?" Liv asks, not embracing Ed. Both of them still were wary of too many displays of public affection. Especially during the day time.

"Group 1's been grilling me since 8 am." He says – and she can see the sheer exhaustion on his face. "Whaddya got?"

"Sister Nina called me this morning," Olivia says worriedly, "she was really spooked, Ed. And then her phone just went dead – and when I tried to call her back, it went to voicemail. She told me that they might go after you."

"Hm." Ed doesn't seem too concerned.

"You don't sound surprised."

"I'm not. They're really gunning for me." He says calmly. Seeing the worry on her face, the severe lines of his face soften. "Don't worry so much, Liv. It's gonna be fine. Here, come with me for a couple moments."

He gently takes her arm and pulls her into the shadows of the building, away from prying eyes. Olivia leans against the brick wall, looking into his blue eyes that are warm with affection for her. "I'm on your side." He says, leaning into her. "I'm not leaving, if that's why you're scared."

"No, it's not." _Yes, it is_. _Because they've all left. Elliot, Cragen, Munch, Nick, David, Brian…all gone. With the exception of Fin, she's the only one of the original crew left standing. And even that's been taken from her_.

"Liar." Tucker says softly but with no malice. "I know you, Benson. You say you're fine when you're not. You say you're not scared when you're terrified inside. S'okay to be human."

"I can't afford to be human right now." Liv confesses softly. "They'll see it as weakness. And God only knows that they already think I'm unfit to hold command."

"Those who matter don't think that. As for One PP, screw 'em. Bunch of bureaucrats who have forgotten what it's like to be in the field. They don't know you. _I_ do. And no one is better suited to command than you." Tucker says fiercely.

 _I'm on your side. I'm fighting for you_.

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Ed." Olivia says fondly, blinking back the slight moisture in her eyes.

"Probably be a lot more sane." He jokes, a genuine smile lighting his face at last. Then he sobers up and places a hand on her cheek. His hands are rough, calloused – they're not the soft hands of an office worker – and they're gentle against her skin. Liv puts her hand over his, turns her head just slightly enough to kiss his palm. It's tender and intimate and something neither of them have had in a long time.

"Liv," Tucker says hoarsely, wanting so desperately to tell her those words.

"I know." Olivia interrupts, before he can say anything else. She knows what he wants to say but she isn't quite ready to hear the words out loud. Not yet – with all this uncertainty swirling around them.

He places both of his hands on her face and kisses her slowly. _To hell with who might be watching_ , he thinks. Ed Tucker doesn't give a damn any more – not that he gave much of one to begin with. He has Olivia Benson in his bed, in his arms, and on his side.

For him, life can't get much better than that.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: **Mending More Fences**

 _"To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with." -_ Mark Twain

 **Disclaimer** : _Here's a short update for you all – last one before_ _ **Unholiest Alliance**_ _. Not sure where things are going to go after tonight but I'll try to work with it! Characters aren't mine, recognizable dialogue isn't mine, blah, blah, blah. And, a friendly reminder, OUR SHIP IS ACTUALLY CANON!_

Olivia Benson slowly stretches, thankful for her day off. It's still dark out but she's used to that – for the past seventeen years, she's always been up before the dawn. The darkness never bothered her. As she rolls over, she rolls into a warm body lying next to her and she smiles.

This is one of the parts of relationships that she's always loved the most. Waking up next to somebody, curled up close to the heat of their body. And sometimes even waking up cradled in their arms. Sex was great and all – Benson smiles to herself as the soreness in various parts of her body remind her of last night's activities – but there was nothing quite as sweet as the intimacy of sleeping together.

And she was getting accustomed to having Ed waking up beside her. More often than not, he had been spending more and more of his time at her apartment, so much so that she often called him "roomie" in a teasing tone of voice. The half smirk that appeared on his face showed that he really didn't mind at all.

More importantly, Noah loved him. While her son could be a little irascible, sassy, and difficult – Ed just called it "being a normal kid" – he was a joy around Tucker. Noah adored the hard IAB investigator who seemed to turn into a pile a mush when he was around the boy. Some of Noah's favorite toys were the firetrucks Ed had given him a few months ago, toys that he had once played with as a child.

Ed Tucker was the son of Irish immigrants and his childhood had been difficult. His father had been a cop but hadn't made much money and Tucker had grown up fairly poor. The fire trucks he had passed on to Noah had been one of the few gifts he had been given, one of the few non-essential things that his parents were able to afford.

By giving them to Noah, Tucker was giving both him and Benson an important part of himself.

Because he trusted her.

Because, she suspects, he loves her. But she doesn't want to examine _that_ too closely. Not yet.

"What's on your mind, Benson?" She feels the warmth of his breath against her shoulder.

"You're awake?" She asks, stretching against him slightly.

"Have been for awhile." Tucker responds, slinging an arm around her waist and pulling her close. "How are you?"

"Slept like the dead." She yawns.

"You needed it." He runs his fingers through her touseled hair.

"I did." She turns to him and snuggles into the warmth of his body.

He looks down at her, smiles and kisses her deeply. She wraps her arms around his back.

"Much as I like this," she says softly, with a little hint of regret, "I need to get up. Noah will be up soon."

"So early?" Tucker groans.

"Don't ask." Olivia rolls her eyes. "That child does not like to sleep. Ever. I have to wear him out to get him to even go down for a nap."

"Hm, sounds like someone else I know..."

"Tucker!" She smacks his bare shoulder.

"What?" He pulls her closer to him again. And, really at this point, she's only halfway resisting. Because Olivia hasn't felt this safe, this wanted, this _cherished_ in so long. With Ed Tucker, of all people! If someone had told her years ago, she and Ed would be in a committed relationship, she would have probably a.) laughed in their faces; b.) call for a strait jacket; c.) kicked them out of the squad room.

Hell, she probably would have done all three.

Giving up trying to get out of bed, she slowly moves against Tucker, winding one leg over his hip. This part she always loves most, feeling him harden against her, feeling the muscles in his body tense and quiver with anticipation. He plays tough, invulnerable cop when he's out in public and around strangers but here, when it's just them, she has him by the balls. He's told her so. After many earth shattering orgasms.

"Mmm," Tucker whispers against her ear, "seems like someone doesn't really want to get up after all." And he's very, very glad for that.

"Oh, I don't think I'm the one who will be getting _up_." Olivia smirks, reaching under the covers and grasping Tucker in her hand, relishing his quick intake of breath and slight shudder shaking his body.

He starts planting kisses all along her neck, hands playing with her breasts and fingers drifting down...down...and she gasps as he inserts a finger into her. Squirming, she pushes her body up against his and groans with delight as he puts a second finger into her. She's wet already, funny how quickly that happens when she's with him. Olivia Benson has to admit - he had her by the balls too.

Although, she thinks rather hazily, while his fingers are working their magic on her, would that expression really be appropriate in her case? But what expression would be? And, goddammit, she's really got to stop thinking because...oh my god.

"Earth to Lieutenant Benson." Tucker says roughly, fingers brushing lightly over her hair.

"10-13." She responds, tearing her mind away from debates about colloquial expressions, and concentrating on all of he's on top of her, balancing his weight on his arms, not wanting to crush her with his weight. And after a few moments of foreplay, he finally pushes into her. And it feels, for him, like he's coming home. And for many, many, _many_ moments, the only sounds that punctuate the small bedroom are the slap of bare skin on bare skin, Olivia's faint cries and his rough groans.

They've got each other under their skin.

…...

"We need to talk." Olivia says firmly.

"Haven't we been over this?" Barba folds his arms over his chest. "I have nothing to say to you. I can't even be seen talking to you at all. We said all that there was needed to be said a few days ago."

"We're not in public." She points out, somewhat irrelevantly, but she was desperately finding a reason to stay and get him to talk to her more. The last time they had met, there were indications he was beginning to thaw but it was critical that she repair the damage that had been done by this entire situation.

"That doesn't matter, Olivia!" He barks. "If anyone knows that we've been communicating, it could compromise my case. I told you before we can't talk about this, I even told you I'd try to help, but all you think about is yourself."

Despite his anger and hurt at her, the moment the words leave Barba's lips, he regrets them. Olivia stares at him, face drawn, looking as if he had just slapped her.

"How can you say that?" She whispers.

"Because you come here asking me to take your word that someone you're _involved with_ ," he spits it out as the words themselves taste dirty, "isn't guilty of being involved in a sex scandal. Again, would you believe you?"

"I came to you," Olivia replies heatedly, "because it's not just Tucker in danger but other girls too. Those victims are JUST as important to me as Ed is. And how _dare_ you accuse me of just thinking of myself. Can _you_ ," and she looks at him fiercely, "honestly think that jealousy had _nothing_ to do with you going to One PP? And, yes, I know you told me it was the 'right thing to do' but can you truly say that was ALL it was?"

Barba starts to say something but Olivia puts up a hand to stop him, "No, Rafael, let me finish. Why didn't you go to One PP when I was with Brian? When he was being investigated for rape, I was involved with him, and you did nothing."

"Different situation, Liv." Barba says quietly, "And you know it."

"Different because you didn't care for me then?" She asks him quietly, eyes meeting his. He finds that he can't look her straight in the face. And he realizes that she might actually be right. Barba had told One PP because he was confident that he was doing the right thing. But, examining his heart, he realizes that his motives may not have been entirely free of self-interest. So, really, did he have the right to lash out at her?

"I guess I have my answer." Olivia says resignedly. "Rafael, I never meant to hurt you."

"But you did." He says softly, the words slipping out before he can stop them. He's stripped bare before her and he can't hide his anger at what he saw as her betrayal. Rafael Barba finds that he can't conceal his pain – and he had tried before – and that he doesn't really want to. It's time for both of them to be honest.

"I'm sorry." She whispers. "It was never my intention."

"It never is." Barba responds wearily.

"Will we be able to get past this?" Olivia looks at him, a pleading look in her eyes. "You said before, earlier, that you would try to help me. I thought we were getting past this."

"I said I'd try to help." Barba says slowly, honestly. "And I meant what I said. However, I do know we can't talk anymore until this is over. You know that too, Liv."

She recognizes Barba's calling her _Liv_ for what it is, a peace offering. Both of them are in terrible positions and she does know that he was doing what he felt was right. While she can sense that this situation _is_ personal for him, to some extent, what he cared for above all was justice and the law. That's why she admires and respects him so much, even loves him a little, as a friend.

She nods slowly, acknowledging his implicit peace offering.

"I'm sorry it came down to this." Rafael says sadly, turning to look out the window. _Please, Olivia, please just go. We both need time._

"So am I." And Olivia walks away, not looking back. _This is not goodbye, Rafael_. _I refuse to let our friendship end over this_.

When she's gone, Barba goes over to his cabinet, reaches for a glass and his decanter of scotch.

It's going to be a long night.

…...

"How did it go with Barba?" Ed asks softly, Noah dangling on his knee.

"Don't ask." Olivia replies tiredly.

"Still nothing?"

"Still nothing."

"Well, can't say that I blame him too much." Ed says pragmatically.

"How can you say that? He got me transferred." Olivia objects, although it's half-hearted at best.

"You were involved with me. On the face of it, doesn't look real good." He says quietly, helping Noah finish his applesauce.

Olivia knows he's right. But she's really not happy about it.

"I just...we were friends, Ed..." She says quietly.

"You still are." Tucker squeezes her hand. "Barba's not stupid. Once this blows over, things will get better."

"But will they be the same?" She looks at him questioningly.

Tucker is thoughtful. "Nothing's ever the same." He says slowly. "We change every day. But the only things that do change are things that need to change."

"Funny you should say that," Olivia smiles faintly, "that's something Cragen used to say: _Nothing changes, except what has to_."

"I knew I liked that guy." Tucker leans back, letting a content Noah run his fire truck up and down his sweatshirt clad chest.

"What are you talking about?" She says incredulously. "You two hated each other."

"That was just for show." He says casually, "Well, _mostly_ for show."

"I was going to say," Liv looks at him skeptically, "I still remember Cragen threatening to throw you out of the squad room."

"Yep." Tucker says laconically. "I would have let him."

"You?" She raises an eyebrow.

"I was a dick." He admits. "I was fu-frigging..." and before he can continue, Liv chuckles a bit at his attempt to clean up his language to spare Noah's ears. "As I was saying," Tucker tries again, with pointed emphasis, "Liv, I was jealous as hell and I admit it. I've never let my emotions, my feelings EVER interfere with the job but that job with Cassidy was the closest I've ever come to doing that."

Liv folds her arms across her chest. "You still maintain you did the right thing?"

"I did what I thought I had to do." He says slowly. "Would I have done it differently now? Probably. I really do regret that."

Olivia leans against him, "You're a decent man, Ed Tucker."

He shrugs, but puts his arm around her. "I'm glad you decided to keep me around."

Looking into his eyes, she grins, "For now."

And he chuckles, squeezing her tight with one arm, Noah babbling happily in his other arm.

And, at that moment, things are very, very good.

...

" _I realize, for the first time, how very lonely I've been in the arena._ _How comforting the presence of another human being can be." -_ Suzanne Collins


	8. Chapter 8

" _ **You're looking out for me."**_

" _ **Always."**_

Chapter 8: **Demons Inside**

 **Disclaimer** : _In Chapter One, I mentioned Tucker having a drinking issue following the death of his brother. For the sake of these one shots, let's assume that Tucker's experience with drinking too much was a temporary thing and that he_ _ **isn't**_ _an alcoholic._ _Recognizable dialogue from_ _ **Unholiest Alliance**_ _. Lyrics from **Demons** by Imagine Dragons._

 _Don't get too close_  
 _It's dark inside_  
 _It's where my demons hide_  
 _It's where my demons hide_

Ed Tucker was worried. Not about himself – he had his job back and his reputation. Although, he was pretty sure that there were some powerful people – in the PD, in the Church, and throughout the City – that now hated him. But he didn't give a shit. There was only one person whose opinion mattered to him. All the rest could fuck off.

He and Olivia had gone out to celebrate her getting her job back and him keeping his. While he'd had a wonderful time with her as always, it had not escaped his notice the quickness with which she consumed her wine. Tucker was well aware of his limits and usually only kept to one or two in an evening. Ever since Patrick's death and the aftermath, he had been extremely careful of his alcohol intake. He wasn't going to be like the alcoholics in his family.

He didn't miss the fact that Liv practically gulps down her wine as he carefully sips his. And, almost immediately, she raises a finger for a second glass of wine, setting his internal alarms off. This wasn't the first time he had noticed her almost desperate attempts to keep a glass of alcohol in her hands while they were out. And when they did go out, Liv often insisted they go to bars. She liked the atmosphere, she insisted, it wasn't quite as formal as a sit-down restaurant.

Tucker hadn't minded her choosing their destinations – he was fairly laid back about those types of things – but little things were starting to bother him. And he remembered that night he had found her, depressed and despondent, shortly after the Hank Abraham case. Initially, he had thought it was a one-time thing – she _had_ been under a lot of stress…they all had. Plus, Liv was still recovering from her treatment at the hands of Utley, thankfully long dead.

He was recognizing too many of the signs and he kicked himself for not having picked up on them sooner, especially after his own experiences. Had he been so self-involved that he had ignored the warning signs? The guilt started to claw at his insides.

"Hey, hey," Liv leans across and holds his hand. And it feels so good, having her warm hand in his. It feels _right_ – and for a moment he's distracted by her presence and her scent. Hell, he's distracted by her _everything_. "Everything okay, Ed?"

"Everything's just fine." He attempts a smile, trying to hide the worry in his eyes.

"Tucker, come on," she scans his face, "you should be a lot happier than you look right now. Granted, you don't ever look "giddy" but, hell, you look like you're going to your own funeral. You got to keep your job – you should be happy."

"And I am." He says, squeezing her hand, "because I'm with you."

The look on her face was worth that somewhat cheesy line. She smiled like she hadn't smiled in a long time. For a long moment, Tucker's captivated by the glow of contentment on her face.

"Now you're just being sappy." She laughs and swats him on the shoulder.

"Me?" He raises his eyebrow. "Never."

"Seriously, Ed." She asks, more seriously now. "What is it?"

"It's….nothing." Tucker tries to brush it off but he's not successful.

"Tell me."

"It's just that I thought, you know I know this has been stressful and everything…" _And I know how much you've been drinking even though you're trying to hide. I'm just sorry I didn't figure it out sooner._ "Just thought we could take it easy tonight." _Olivia, I've been where you are, I've been perched at the edge of that cliff too. Don't fall off it._

He's hoping the warning gets through to her because there's no easy way to tell someone with whom you're involved that you think they have a problem. Not before they're ready to hear it. He learned _that_ lesson the hard way. But he knows all about demons.

"Oh, okay," she says, "I thought we were just celebrating."

 _Don't bring it up. Don't bring it up. Don't bring it up_. He can see the unspoken pleading in her eyes, underneath her brittle bravado. And something tightens in his chest. She's not ready. Not yet. But he's got to say something. He can't let her go further down this road. Not Olivia.

"Oh, we are." He says slowly, taking a deep breath, "…it's just…"

Olivia breaks in, as if taking pity on him, shoving aside a conversation that neither of them is quite ready to have.

"I know," she smiles, gripping his hand, "you're just looking out for me." _Even when I can't look out for myself_. Because Olivia knows that look. She remembers those days, so long ago, when she'd give Serena that look, as her mother would pour glass after glass of wine to "relax" after a hard day of work. And a simple glass with dinner would turn into two, then three, then an entire bottle. And little Olivia would end up making herself cereal for supper as Serena would drink herself into a stupor.

It was little Olivia that was stuck picking up bottles as Serena lay passed out on the couch. She remembers finding them under the sink, vodka bottles in the knife drawer. And as she grew older, Serena would always say that she was fine.

" _Olivia, stop your damn fussing. I can stop drinking whenever I want."_

" _Olivia, stop nagging. You're not my therapist."_

The memories still haunt her, every time she reaches for that glass of wine. But she can't bring herself to stop, bring herself to _remember_. Because remembering is too hard. The memories slice her like one of the blades in that knife drawer where she'd find Serena's empty flasks. And she doesn't want to feel the cuts.

"Always." He looks at her, and the look he sees behind her eyes nearly breaks his resolve. There's so much pain there and she's always telling people that she's fine. How has she been able to live this lie for so long? But he doesn't really need an answer to that. Just from this case alone, he knows how deep some lies can go, how long one can go living a lie.

But she doesn't have to – not with him.

 _I'm on your side, Benson_.

She brings his hand up her mouth and kisses it, in a gesture that nearly undoes him.

 _I know_.

Instead of drinking the second glass of wine, Benson pushes it to the side and asks for a soda. It seems little but Tucker sees how much it takes for her to do that, as her eyes flicker yearningly over to the Cabernet.

"Are you glad to be getting back to the squad?" Tucker asks casually, just making small talk so they both don't have to deal with the elephant in the room.

"You have no idea." She signs in relief, sipping on her Diet Coke. "Are you going to stop giving us a hard time?" She teases, grinning at him, the tension in the room easing a little.

"Only if your people can stay out of trouble. Is that even possible for them?" He gives her a half smirk as he raises an eyebrow.

"I would have said no a few months ago but they've all had a tendency to go a bit rogue…" Benson rolls her eyes, "Even Dodds."

"Mike Dodds?" Tucker asks, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

"Yeah." Olivia grins a little, "Surprised me too."

"Kinda thought he'd be a chip off the old block." Tucker says thoughtfully.

"So did I. But he's been very…resilient…to his father's influence." Olivia stirs her drink straw slowly.

"Good for him." Tucker's impressed, in spite of himself. It takes someone with quite a spine to stand up to William Dodds. Personally, Ed can't stand the man. Whenever he's had to meet with him, he always comes out of their meetings feeling dirty and greasy. Politicking has never been Tucker's gig and he has very little respect for people who do it. Over at One PP, politicians are a dime a dozen in the NYPD hierarchy.

He hates it. Dealing with them is about as fun as a visit to his doctor. If given a choice, he'd probably choose the proctologist.

"How do they feel about…..?" He gestures between them.

"Us?" Olivia asks and bites her lip. "Well…."

"You haven't really told them, have you?"

"They're detectives. I think when Dodds told them I'd been removed because of the charges against you, they figured it out. Even though Dodds apparently said that he 'couldn't speak to that.'"

Tucker groans. "That's as good as telling them."

Olivia shrugs pragmatically. "Truth was going to come out sooner or later. If Barba knows and One PP knows…then it's really only a matter of time until they found out anyway. I swear to God, the NYPD can be like a bunch of gossipy old ladies." She grumbles.

"I guess you'll find out for sure when you get back." _Good luck with that_.

"Yeah." She says, subdued. "I guess I will."

"When's your first day back?"

"Wednesday. What about you?"

"Same. You know what that means…" His blue eyes sparkle at her.

"Why, Ed Tucker, if I didn't know better, I'd think you had designs on me." Olivia smirks.

"If you hadn't picked up on that, then you wouldn't have been half the detective I thought you were." Tucker says, throwing a half-smile over his shoulder as he drops some cash on the counter for the bartender and gets up.

"Care to come back to my place for a night-cap?" Olivia smiles.

"Always." And he links his hands with hers as they walk out the door.

…...

 _At the curtain's call_  
 _It's the last of all_  
 _When the lights fade out_  
 _All the sinners crawl_

Normally, Ed sleeps pretty fitfully when he's at Liv's but tonight was different. He just couldn't get to sleep. Something vague was eating at him and he couldn't put his finger on it. Looking at the clock, he groans. _2:00 am and he's nowhere near sleep_.

When they'd gotten back from the bar, he and Olivia had partaken in their normal nocturnal activities since Noah was fast asleep. He couldn't get enough of her warm body, sinking into her, feeling her clamp tight around him felt like coming home. Lying restless in the bed, the thought of her soft sighs and moans makes him harden again, not helping his insomnia one bit.

" _Right there, Ed_. _Yes..."_ _She cries, sinking her teeth lightly into his shoulder. He pushes further into her, thrusting hard as she pushes up against him. He can't get enough of her and he kisses her hard, handing grabbing at her breast._

" _Oh god...ughhh..." she breathes against his neck, feeling his back muscles tighten as his hips move harder against her..._

Before Ed can lose himself in his fantasy, a little whimper catches his attention. Rolling over, he sees Olivia starting to thrash in her sleep, her face drawn in pain.

"No...no...don't take her." She's crying in her sleep. "Take me. God, take me..."

"Liv," he touches her gently, not wanting to startle her. But she doesn't seem to feel his touch and just keeps whimpering, muttering words to herself, some of them intelligible, others mere stifled sobs.

"God, no, just stop...don't touch me... " even in sleep, Liv's face is contorted in pain, the pain of someone who is reliving torment that is past, yet still very present. The past that follows her wherever she goes, dogging her footsteps.

And Tucker understands because he has devils of his own that he's kept caged. The years have taught him well to keep that cage secure but, once in awhile, the devils get loose.

 _But with the beast inside_  
 _There's nowhere we can hide_

He touches her a little harder. "Liv, it's not real." He says softly, continuing to shake her shoulder. Liv twists and hits him – and it's surprisingly painful. But instead of continuing to shake her, Tucker simply puts his arm around a struggling Liv and pulls her tight to him, lightly kissing her head. "It's okay, Olivia." He reassures her quietly. "It's okay. The demons can't get you here."

 _It's going to be all-right. They can't hurt you anymore. I know why you've been drinking. I know why you've been hiding. But you don't need to hide from me._

 _Utley? Lewis? They're both dead. Don't let them hurt you any more._

And, slowly, Olivia's struggles cease and she drifts to sleep, head laying on Tucker's chest. Soon he, too, follows her into the deepness of nightmare-free sleep. And, once again, the demons retreat into the darkness of the night, their claws retracted.

...

'For the two of us, home isn't a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.', -Stephanie Perkins


End file.
